Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
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