How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
