Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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