I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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