I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
