Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
