dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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