Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
