When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
