I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
