Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Why can't burritos get me drunk
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
