just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
