So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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