On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
My bed smells like the plague
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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