WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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