I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
