Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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