my sisters under your porch take her home
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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