So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize
