i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
