I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Randomize
