he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My bed is full of blood and feathers
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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