Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Randomize
