he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
