I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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