He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
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If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
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Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
There's even glitter on my cock...
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