I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
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