I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
