Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
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I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
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Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.