I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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