She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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