I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
