your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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