Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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