dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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