So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
