You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
