My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
