if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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