I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
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