shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
