"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
