Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
