i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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