Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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