I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
