Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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