It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
