Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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