I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
