happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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