if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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