I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
