I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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