I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize