There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
