My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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