Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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