I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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