She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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