I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them