I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"