Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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