fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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